Recently I've been in one of those funks where I wonder why I'm here and I don't see how God is using me in anything. I feel like I have been failing at the tasks I have been given. I try really hard and I've clearly changed and grown as a person and with my walk with God. However, it doesn't feel like enough and I don't feel like anyone else sees it. If nobody else sees it, is it all in my head? Am I even changing at all? I don't know how I can feel so useless yet so certain that I am exactly where God wants me to be. God wouldn't set me up for failure. He has something for me here.
The most difficult thing about being down here is my lack of companions. I feel alone. I need friends. Sometimes I go for weeks at a time without hearing from anyone in the states. I send messages to people who don't reply until weeks later because they're busy. Even when they do reply, small conversation isn't the same. I want to Skype or talk on the phone and they simply don't have the time. I'm not mad, that's just life. I know I'm loved, but I still need people to talk to and people to hang out with. I love the team at Sus Hijos, they're awesome. However, they are my work life, family life, and friend life. I can't have the type of friends I need with the team because the expectations at work carries over into everything we do. I just want to talk to someone, joke around, and hang out. I struggled with this when I first arrived and now it's resurfaced and I've been struggling again.
God has used this situation to have me focus on Him and nobody else. I'm not reliant on someone else's view of me. Sometimes things will make me really upset and I'll dwell on it for days, but the moment I bring it to God I realize how stupid it is and I'm totally unconcerned with the problem. The more I focus on God, the less upset things make me and I remember everything is in His hands. Every person, every situation, my health, my finances, and my heart. The master creator creates a life for me that is more beautiful than anything I could have ever come up with. He does it in the most unexpected ways with the most ill-equipped people in order to prove His power.
Although there have been many times I have felt alone, I have still been in complete awe of what God does. God is so good. I can't even bring myself to ask Him for anything. I bow my head to pray and all I can say is I love you Jesus and I worship. God always provides what I need when I need it. I come up short in my abilities, but He knows me and this is what He wants so I'm going to keep pursuing Him. Yesterday was another day I stood in awe of how God works in our lives.
I started out the day feeling a little discouraged. Nothing bad happened, I just watch other people work and I am intensely aware that I'm not anywhere close to where I feel I should be. I came home feeling antsy so I went to walk the dog in the park. While I was walking the dog I saw a bunch of North Americans at the top of the hill. I ran up to talk to them and ask them where they were from and we became instant friends. Nineteen of them are only here for a week on a mission trip and ten have been here seven months interning for another organization. They invited me to dinner with them and we hung out, talked, and laughed for a few hours. We exchanged information and they invited me to go to the beach with them this week! Turns out we are all in the same boat and we all needed someone to talk to outside of the people we work and live with. I have friends. At least for the next month that they are still interning, I have friends. Praise God.
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